I'm a huge fan of dowry. It's a brilliant concept. It's like any other form of personal loan if you ask me. Only the EMIs never end and the interest rates are ruthless. There's no early settlement. If you try, it comes with a huge penalty. It’s called alimony.
So I proceeded to get married anyway. Knowing fully well, the dangers involved. Now I'm the man Friday of my house - all 7 days of the week. So once my wife asks me to stop at the grocery on my way home and pick up some stuff. And I do. EMI.
The next morning I'm chilling at home, it's a Saturday. She asks me to go buy some more stuff. Now I'd like to point out, that these two things aren't so far removed as categories go. So this morning you're asking me to buy oil while the some stuff last night was fucking ghee. How hard is it to know that you need oil as well as ghee? It's not like eggs and detergent. No, it's oil and ghee they hang out together all the time. But I have to go again and pick up oil. Floating rate of interest.
It so happened, the day was karva chauth and my wife was fasting, so there's no saying no. In fact I think that's the real reason Hindu women fast so much. When a Hindu woman fasts, she doesn't just fast alone she takes the neighbourhood down with her. It's how they get their way. Fast once a week and make sure everyone listens to you.
Please don't leave the newspaper on the bed. I'm fasting. There's a sale on at Zara. I'm fasting. They never have my size. I’m fasting. Take me to Paris. I'm fasting. Now you're thinking where's the logic in that. No no no no no, but for a married woman it all makes sense.
There's a Zara ad in the paper and I'm fasting, wait it's a sale. But by the time I get there they won't have my size. And now with this fasting I'm in shape and he doesn't even appreciate it. I don't deserve high street, I should be shopping in Paris.
Take me to Paris, I'm fasting.
True story.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Sexuality and the Indian woman
I have a problem with how sexy Indian women are and how sexy they actually can be. It’s mostly a matter of potential and I think the potential is under utilised. Now please don’t rush to any conclusions here, I’m not suggesting that our women show more skin or act less modest. Bear with me here, for a moment.
Take for instance Brazil. Here’s a country that sits at the other end of the sexy continuum. If their national sexy index was 10 ours would be 0. We invented the cipher, so it’s only fitting. But I digress. Physically Indian women have every quality available to women all over the world to be perceived as sexy. However, the best we ever get is ‘beautiful’, ‘hot’, or ‘exotic’. But very rarely do we ever get ‘sexy’. The sari, yes that’s sexy, but not in the way the average woman wears it or walks in it. The sari, and this is a commonly understood fact, is meant to accentuate the sexuality of a woman. But where is it? It’s nowhere to be seen. How many women actually walk that walk of a confident sexy woman? A handful, and they are usually from the upper reaches of protected society.
So the point we arrive at is, the walk has a lot to do with sexiness. Look around you, Indian women just don’t walk sexy. The women who wear jeans and trousers are the worst affected. They either walk like boys or figure some in-between way to suppress the natural sway of the hip that belongs to the woman. It’s her feminine prerogative that she denies herself.
But it’s not she who denies herself. It’s society. From the time a girl turns 10 she gets told to not walk in a way that attracts unwanted male attention, and the scorn of the female set. And there lies the root to this problem. A mature, progressive, healthy society allows its little girls to blossom into women. It doesn’t tell them to tone down the sex so the grown ups - the neighbours, the watchman, the grocer and the teachers don’t feel inadvertently attracted. In a civil society women are allowed this freedom so they can explore their sexuality to its fullest.
Even Arab women, covered from head to toe have a way about them that is sexy. Arab culture even has a way to describe a young woman’s gait, they compare it to the strut of a gazelle.
It is proven researched* fact, that a woman would swing her hips a little less if there was fear of sexual assault. But if this fear beats the sexuality out of an entire population then there’s something terribly wrong there. For a society to be sexually healthy, the female puts out the signals and the male wins her affection in an socially approved manner.
So that’s my complaint.
And here’s my solution. About time, we let our little girls be themselves and provide for them a safe, healthy society that allows them to grow up into confident, young women who are comfortable and in-control of their sexuality.
And if we can’t do it we might as well dress them all up in Burquas.
*How hips sway in the mating game - Times Online
Take for instance Brazil. Here’s a country that sits at the other end of the sexy continuum. If their national sexy index was 10 ours would be 0. We invented the cipher, so it’s only fitting. But I digress. Physically Indian women have every quality available to women all over the world to be perceived as sexy. However, the best we ever get is ‘beautiful’, ‘hot’, or ‘exotic’. But very rarely do we ever get ‘sexy’. The sari, yes that’s sexy, but not in the way the average woman wears it or walks in it. The sari, and this is a commonly understood fact, is meant to accentuate the sexuality of a woman. But where is it? It’s nowhere to be seen. How many women actually walk that walk of a confident sexy woman? A handful, and they are usually from the upper reaches of protected society.
So the point we arrive at is, the walk has a lot to do with sexiness. Look around you, Indian women just don’t walk sexy. The women who wear jeans and trousers are the worst affected. They either walk like boys or figure some in-between way to suppress the natural sway of the hip that belongs to the woman. It’s her feminine prerogative that she denies herself.
But it’s not she who denies herself. It’s society. From the time a girl turns 10 she gets told to not walk in a way that attracts unwanted male attention, and the scorn of the female set. And there lies the root to this problem. A mature, progressive, healthy society allows its little girls to blossom into women. It doesn’t tell them to tone down the sex so the grown ups - the neighbours, the watchman, the grocer and the teachers don’t feel inadvertently attracted. In a civil society women are allowed this freedom so they can explore their sexuality to its fullest.
Even Arab women, covered from head to toe have a way about them that is sexy. Arab culture even has a way to describe a young woman’s gait, they compare it to the strut of a gazelle.
It is proven researched* fact, that a woman would swing her hips a little less if there was fear of sexual assault. But if this fear beats the sexuality out of an entire population then there’s something terribly wrong there. For a society to be sexually healthy, the female puts out the signals and the male wins her affection in an socially approved manner.
So that’s my complaint.
And here’s my solution. About time, we let our little girls be themselves and provide for them a safe, healthy society that allows them to grow up into confident, young women who are comfortable and in-control of their sexuality.
And if we can’t do it we might as well dress them all up in Burquas.
*How hips sway in the mating game - Times Online
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Quirky little India
Now that we are all fatted up, as a country I mean. Mostly metros is what I’m referring to here. Our quirks are beginning to show. Things that we wouldn’t take notice of earlier are slowly coming to the surface.
I saw this stand up comic last night and he spoke about a friend who rejected a man simply because he mixed up his Vs and Ws. While for some among you that may be the cardinal sin, one wouldn’t imagine a large part of society agreeing to a decision that shallow. Especially given the fact that the man being rejected was a highly educated, well-settled individual. Never mind the irony of the fact that he drove a VW Passat.
Until a few years ago we didn’t have so many issues as urban citizens. We were more forgiving and less judgmental. I’m not trying to preach here. In fact it’s quite the opposite, I’m trying to find some humour in this situation. And I think this whole age, yes I call it an ‘age’ like the renaissance or the iron ‘age’ or the bronze ‘age’. My blog, my laptop, what goes of your father. And I think this whole age is reminiscent of early Seinfeld, the sitcom. How Jerry or Elaine found little things annoying and all of America related with it and as a result found it funny. We laughed along as well, relating to them in third person, putting ourselves in their shoes even though we didn’t share the same social mores. I’m talking about the ‘90s here. And now I feel we’re suddenly living in that ‘age’.
I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, all I’m saying is, we’re rich, our bellies are full and we’re done picking our teeth. Now we’re looking for something to whine about and if you look at it in a light hearted manner rather than academically - to study the metamorphosis of urban Indian society or some such research crap, we’re going through a very, very interesting time. Our quirks are beginning to surface and boy am I ready for this show.
I saw this stand up comic last night and he spoke about a friend who rejected a man simply because he mixed up his Vs and Ws. While for some among you that may be the cardinal sin, one wouldn’t imagine a large part of society agreeing to a decision that shallow. Especially given the fact that the man being rejected was a highly educated, well-settled individual. Never mind the irony of the fact that he drove a VW Passat.
Until a few years ago we didn’t have so many issues as urban citizens. We were more forgiving and less judgmental. I’m not trying to preach here. In fact it’s quite the opposite, I’m trying to find some humour in this situation. And I think this whole age, yes I call it an ‘age’ like the renaissance or the iron ‘age’ or the bronze ‘age’. My blog, my laptop, what goes of your father. And I think this whole age is reminiscent of early Seinfeld, the sitcom. How Jerry or Elaine found little things annoying and all of America related with it and as a result found it funny. We laughed along as well, relating to them in third person, putting ourselves in their shoes even though we didn’t share the same social mores. I’m talking about the ‘90s here. And now I feel we’re suddenly living in that ‘age’.
I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, all I’m saying is, we’re rich, our bellies are full and we’re done picking our teeth. Now we’re looking for something to whine about and if you look at it in a light hearted manner rather than academically - to study the metamorphosis of urban Indian society or some such research crap, we’re going through a very, very interesting time. Our quirks are beginning to surface and boy am I ready for this show.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Anyone heard of Pepsi Studio?
I have a friend who works with Pepsi in a country I won’t tell you about. And to make sure he doesn’t lose his well paying job and his kids don’t end up in a Madrassa, I will not name him either. A few years ago he spoke to me about a very exciting project he was about to start work on. It involved music, it involved Pepsi, and it involved a musician he really really respected.
The same friend came to me, a few months later, dejected and angry that Pepsi had turned down the idea of a music show with one of his favourite musicians.
While this guy was a good friend I didn’t make much of his problem and definitely didn’t understand his anger. Then around 2009 I discovered Coke Studio. And yesterday it hit me, like a ton of bricks. Like those text book epiphanies that can make your eyes pop faster than 18 espressos. Suddenly his anger made sense to me, only it manifested itself as schadenfreude for the misery of my least favourite people in the world. Marketing minions.
Pepsi had just passed on Rohail Hyatt, the same guy who later went on to create Coke studio. Coke studio was an idea that originated in Brazil, but the popularity it enjoyed in Pakistan is beyond measure. And I’m not even talking about the thunderstorm that swept across the internet.
Wonder if Pepsi gift wrapped the guy though, when they sent him to Coke. Such classic corporate-unimaginative-beliefless-spineless-loser hacks. I would have gone on for longer but I think those guys have learned their lesson. And they probably learn it every time someone forwards them a link, or they catch a glimpse on TV or hear a song popularised by Coke Studio.
Ha ha ha!!! Makes me want to go find them, when they are feeling like miserable pricks, point at them and laugh.
The same friend came to me, a few months later, dejected and angry that Pepsi had turned down the idea of a music show with one of his favourite musicians.
While this guy was a good friend I didn’t make much of his problem and definitely didn’t understand his anger. Then around 2009 I discovered Coke Studio. And yesterday it hit me, like a ton of bricks. Like those text book epiphanies that can make your eyes pop faster than 18 espressos. Suddenly his anger made sense to me, only it manifested itself as schadenfreude for the misery of my least favourite people in the world. Marketing minions.
Pepsi had just passed on Rohail Hyatt, the same guy who later went on to create Coke studio. Coke studio was an idea that originated in Brazil, but the popularity it enjoyed in Pakistan is beyond measure. And I’m not even talking about the thunderstorm that swept across the internet.
Wonder if Pepsi gift wrapped the guy though, when they sent him to Coke. Such classic corporate-unimaginative-beliefless-spineless-loser hacks. I would have gone on for longer but I think those guys have learned their lesson. And they probably learn it every time someone forwards them a link, or they catch a glimpse on TV or hear a song popularised by Coke Studio.
Ha ha ha!!! Makes me want to go find them, when they are feeling like miserable pricks, point at them and laugh.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I hate the airport named after the young lady in the picture
Image 'borrowed' from the Wikimedia Commons. Besides: According to The Indian Copyright Act, 1957 (Chapter V Section 25), Anonymous works, photographs, cinematographic works, sound recordings, government works, and works of corporate authorship or of international organizations enter the public domain 60 years after the date on which they were first published. Indira married Feroze on March 26, 1942, you do the mathematics. In your head.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Here's an idea for world peace.
Take that little chunk of land, that little sliver between Israel and Egypt that's causing all this friction and create something meaningful to end the menace. Send in the finest dancing talent from across the world, and start a gentleman's club that's the envy of the free world. Charge a bomb at the door, an arm for a lap dance, a leg for the VIP room.
And call it The Gaza Strip.
I know. I'm gonna rot in hell.
And call it The Gaza Strip.
I know. I'm gonna rot in hell.
Friday, October 16, 2009
The arranged marriage Vs. The Stockholm Syndrome
This is a satirical comparison of the Classical Indian Marriage and the Stockholm Syndrome. Like all satire it may hold some truths and like all truths it may even be universally applicable.
The condition of the docile Indian housewife is a milder form of the Stockholm Syndrome.
Let's look for some similarities:
The husband/hostage-taker goes out for work and the wife/hostage is alone. This is when she feels trapped the most.
The wife/hostage can and wants to run away but finds a liking for her husband/hostage-taker even more when she has the opportunity to do so.
When they start living together the husband/hostage-taker is merely being humane by providing. And the wife/hostage slowly goes from wary to trusting. And trusting to loving.
There could be many more parallels. But the point I'm trying to make is that the Stockholm Syndrome works on an individual level while the traditional Indian arranged marriage works as a concept that can be mass produced with similar results.
Here's a quick step-by-step guide -
• Find a girl in a socially/financially weak household
• Arrive on horseback with loud intimidating music and fire crackers
• Scare them into letting you take the girl.
• Oh! and instead of waiting for the ransom till you release the hostage,
you take the girl and the money at the same time.
In actual terms this form of hostage taking where the man brings security and the woman luck, is a far more cunning arrangement. And I mean arrangement in the strictest possible terms. This arrangement has scale, it transcends all social class and the most menacing of all, it is socially accepted.
The condition of the docile Indian housewife is a milder form of the Stockholm Syndrome.
Let's look for some similarities:
The husband/hostage-taker goes out for work and the wife/hostage is alone. This is when she feels trapped the most.
The wife/hostage can and wants to run away but finds a liking for her husband/hostage-taker even more when she has the opportunity to do so.
When they start living together the husband/hostage-taker is merely being humane by providing. And the wife/hostage slowly goes from wary to trusting. And trusting to loving.
There could be many more parallels. But the point I'm trying to make is that the Stockholm Syndrome works on an individual level while the traditional Indian arranged marriage works as a concept that can be mass produced with similar results.
Here's a quick step-by-step guide -
• Find a girl in a socially/financially weak household
• Arrive on horseback with loud intimidating music and fire crackers
• Scare them into letting you take the girl.
• Oh! and instead of waiting for the ransom till you release the hostage,
you take the girl and the money at the same time.
In actual terms this form of hostage taking where the man brings security and the woman luck, is a far more cunning arrangement. And I mean arrangement in the strictest possible terms. This arrangement has scale, it transcends all social class and the most menacing of all, it is socially accepted.
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